


call it fiction

by writtennotsung



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Bookstores, M/M, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 20:30:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17128229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writtennotsung/pseuds/writtennotsung
Summary: Dan works in bookstore and Phil comes in with a request that makes Dan want to learn more about him.





	call it fiction

**Author's Note:**

  * For [obsessivelymoody](https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessivelymoody/gifts).



  
"Okay, okay. I've got another one." Lou proposes, tugging on Dan's sleeve and stopping him mid-step even though the armload of books he's carrying have him just barely clinging to any semblance of balance.    
  
He stumbles and the latest edition of  _ Living in the Environment _ knocks him on the chin, nearly slipping off the top of the pile of other texts as he desperately cradles the stack in his hold. He trips on the worn floorboards and realizes he's falling back, shooting an arm out to grab at the counter.   
  
His immediate reaction is to save the stock. Just like when he was a child and his mum used to reach out her arm to save him when she suddenly hit the brakes in their family car, Dan can only envision bent spines and damaged stock and somehow taking a book to the face seems preferable to that.    
  
So he ducks his chin, keeping the book out of harm's way. With nothing to steady him and the weight of the pile gravity sends him careening backwards with a strangled cry.   
  
Lou is quick to react, reflexive to a T at this point in her job when her coworker blunders so much. Just like many times before her arm shoots out, gripping onto Dan's sleeve and righting him without even blinking, her hands expertly shifting with one to his shoulder and one to his books. He's just barely gotten back on his feet again before she's spun him round and looked at him with intent, raising her eyebrows as if nothing had happened while she straightens him out. His posture, anyway.   
  
A customer, some girl nearby chuckles at the fumble and Dan glances up in dismay, knowing his dignity is beyond salvage when his self-proclaimed noodle arms are struggling enough. She's already turned away by the time he looks to her but he catches a flash of pink hair and has enough capacity to feel slightly jealous of how cool it looks before Lou is redirecting him, turning Dan back to face her.   
  
She quirks one shaped brow, acting like she hadn't just nearly caused the death of Dan Howell.    
  
"So?"   
  
Dan waits for the context, his eyes going to the featured novel display distractedly. The shop has a holiday special on select paperbacks and he can't stop staring at the fairy lights Mads has wound around the sale shelves to make them look more festive, exactly his aesthetic.    
  
He could take a moment right now to appreciate his job and its aesthetic in general, if not for the constant chaos it brings. He likes looking at the narrow rows of shelves and lines of books all arranged by genre. He likes the warm scent of paper and the aromas of various candles from the bath & body shop next door. He really especially likes the lights, wondering if he could find a way to keep them around year-round. Lou's excited expression brings him back though and he turns to meet her gaze, awaiting the inevitable.    
  
She has her hair up today and her eagerness is visible, the blond wisps curling around her face making her expression appear magnified. Dan turns a bit to tip the stack of books on the counter, a pre-emptive strike to avoid disaster.     
  
"So, what?" He responds, Lou's vibrant blue eyes following his movements as he straightens the last novel. Dan can tell she's particularly proud of herself this time. Even still, Dan enjoys pretending he doesn't know what's about to happen just to tease her almost as much as she likes testing her ideas on him.   
  
"I have a riddle." She prefaces just like always, the same tone of mystique.   
  
He raises an eyebrow. "Do you now."   
  
He's heard this many times before. He knows his mind is about to be challenged in a way that he's too lazy to use it for. He still asks, because it is just as much a part of his job as anything else.   
  
"I want to see if you can get it." She explains, just like always. "If you can't figure it out in under a minute I'm gonna ask it to the next customer who comes to the till."   
  
Louise likes to think of little riddles, usually one or two-sentenced quickfire questions with a clever answer. It's her fail-safe way to entertain people in the checkout queue when the line is long or to ease a nervous talker who's come all alone.    
  
Ever since she started working here she'd been doing this, or so Dan's heard. She's become the kind of face of their little bookstore, her dedication to entertainment drawing lots of regulars back. At one time, Dan had been one of those readers.    
  
For him her presence had initially been very jarring, and then again when he'd actually started working there too and she'd made him the guinea pig for all her works in progress.   
  
"If I pretend to be very stuck will it make you feel better?" Dan quips, used to it by now. "Boost the ego?"   
  
She barks out her signature warm laugh, sticking her tongue out at him.   
  
"As if you'll be pretending." She snipes back. "It's simple this time 'round, but it's a good one."   
  
"Hit me." Dan challenges, glancing down the nearest shelf aisle and seeing only one person, a boy deeply engrossed in the book he's found. He smirks at her mostly just to make her excited, rewarded with a smile.    
  
“All right, here you go.” Louise says cryptically. "The more you have of it, the less you can see. What is it?"   
  
Dan shakes his head bemusedly but he knows she's expecting him not to have a response. He pretends to think it through anyway, glancing over at the nearest row of shelves as if they hold an answer. They don't, though the boy with the book makes eye contact with him, eyes widening in surprise before he looks away.   
  
It's not an uncommon occurrence when Dan's working to have these awkward silent exchanges. Bookstores are odd in the way that their environment is so specific; the air always quiet and people always milling around.    
  
He decides to wait for another moment longer, looking away from the boy and back to his waiting friend, mind uselessly blank as always. He’s not really trying, anyway.   
  
"Fine." Dan sighs, shaking his head at her triumphant grin. "What is it?"   
  
"Darkness!"   
  
Dan smirks and rolls his eyes and Louise laughs, clapping her hands and looking thoroughly proud of herself. If they were in a different place and that other place was full of people Dan might have slow-clapped. He doesn’t because he’s at work and he’s never done that to Louise before, but he still entertains the thought.   


“Get it? Because the darker it gets, the less you-”

“You must be very proud of that one.” He sighs, though he’s smiling of course. “Must you have a joke for every victim?”   
  
“ _ Victim _ ?” Louise cries, throwing a hand over her heart jokingly as Dan turns around to pick his books back up. “The customers love my riddles, I’ll have you know. So much more fun than just picking a book and checking it out. I’m the something new in their day.”   
  
“Oh you’re something, all right.” Dan agrees. “You do know most people coming in here are introverts, right? You almost gave me a heart attack when you asked me the one about the vampires.”   
  
“Aww, that was so long ago.” Lou’s voice is nostalgic and Dan feels a fuzzy kind of affection for her, this coworker he has that is the closest thing to a real friend. Never mind that they only hang out at work, Dan is taking what he can get. Her expression is just so fond, he can’t figure out how she always manages to look like that when she talks to him, like she’s genuinely delighted by his words.

The workplace banter still surprises him sometimes. Being a socially awkward person in his early twenties, Dan's prior jobs had consisted mostly of him nicking comic books or magazines from the shelves of whatever retail outlet he was working at and hiding in the storeroom while avoiding any human contact, being paid minimum wage the whole time. His friendship with Louise reminds him of an eye spy puzzle, a chaotic combination of opposite elements that shouldn't fit together but somehow do.    
  
Dan is quiet, clumsy and introverted. Louise is the extrovert, loud and vivacious in a way that would normally stress him out, yet she somehow exists an undeniable exception. He likes that their banter comes easily, though he’s not sure if he’ll ever understand it.   


“Think of all the falls I’ve saved you from.” She adds, as if they’re looking back on high school days or something. “Today is one of those special times.”   
  
“You mean all the times you’ve scared the shit out of me.”    
  
Louise whacks him on the back of the head, making him duck to get away from her.

“Oh, shove off and shelve the new arrivals.” She chuckles, prodding him in the back. “I think the Young Adult section needs to be refilled, we’ve had a lot of books come out of there today.”

The boy with the books is still there and Dan’s mind is already rejecting that idea, not in any kind of mood for socialization.

“I can’t go there yet, there’s a person!” Dan whispers, indicating him with his chin as discreetly as he can.

Now that he’s looking he realizes he recognizes this customer from previous shifts, which just makes it even worse. He doesn’t know his name, he just remembers him because Dan has always known him as part of a matched set, and also because he’s tended to go to Dan’s till rather than Louise’s so far.

The guy used to come in with some other guy who always seemed to be with him, the both of them huddling in some corner with their matching fringes that always made Dan think of his own emo phase. They liked to keep quiet and usually avoided the riddle cashier which often led them to Dan, who they never spoke directly to, other than to take a bag (yes) and would they like a receipt (usually no).

This time the boy is alone, his dark hair seems to have been cut recently because now it’s styled back into a quiff that looks just on the right side of tousled, Dan’s runaway mind unhelpfully providing him with an image of what it would be like to run his fingers through them. And oh god, he’s wearing glasses. Yep, not only does Dan remember him now, he remembers several other things too.

Louise follows his gaze and grins.

"That boy's come back here a couple times now." Louise whispers confidentially. Dan blushes.   
  
“People do that.” He snipes back. It’s useless, she knows his expressions and just how to wind him up. “It’s a bookstore. A good bookstore.”

“He’s cute, too.” She stage-whispers. “That quiff with the blue eyes and glasses…  _ very _ nice.”

The boy blinks and his head twitches just enough to make Dan panic, diving out of eyesight and elbowing Louise in the side. Did he hear? If he did he’s going to kill Louise with his bare hands, or maybe a dictionary. He hasn’t decided.

“Lou.” He hisses, the top book in his stack sliding off suddenly and forcing him to catch it with his chin, “Don’t. He has a boyfriend. He’s been coming in with him since February. You can’t just say things like that in your workplace.”

“You’ve noticed?”

Dan immediately feels the hot flush surge into his cheeks, that wave of mortification that he’s so prone to whenever he’s even mildly embarrassed. If Dan is flustered, the whole world is going to know.

"No! I-”

She laughs at that, full-on belly laughs and though the shop is fairly quiet right now, the few customers that are in the room turn their heads in confusion at the sound, grabbing Dan’s arm before he can protest and meeting his terrified expression with a smirk.

“I’m just teasing. You have such a type, idiot. I bet he likes pretty brown curls as much as you like adorable nerdy guys.”

He regrets ever having that discussion with Louise on the Sunday where the store had been dead. They’d been counting stick for inventory and talking about the beauty of all the people walking by, unknowingly giving one another a lot of blackmail material in return.

“What  _ I _ like,” Dan corrects, “is spending hours on my laptop avoiding humanity and wallowing in my own existential crises while I ponder the meaninglessness of existence.”

“Mm. Catchy.” Lou answers without missing a beat. “Twenty-five and still in his edgy emo phase. You may have let your hair be itself but the trapped soul lives on. What is our great purpose, oh entity Daniel Howell of the Canterborough Shopping Centre?”

He has a flash then of his twenty year old self applying here and wondering how the hell he's ever going to escape that legacy. The sudden image of his flat-ironed hair is too much for Dan at five o’clock in the evening and he abruptly turns around, now caring a lot less about a customer that probably won’t even talk to him.

“Suddenly, my purpose is shelving YA books.” Dan announces. “Can’t imagine why. Some divine calling to me from the void.”

Lou grins. “The cute boy void?”

Dan glances around to make sure no customers are watching, then lifts his hand quickly and flips her off.

“No.” He says firmly. “The getting-away-from-you one.”

She snorts loudly and whispers about getting him fired, but there’s absolutely no heat behind it. Dan staggers off with his torso-height stack of Young Adult novels, winding his way through the dark wood shelves illuminated by fairy lights and leaving his friend behind. A customer comes to the till and Dan can hear Louise hurrying off to greet them, asking them about their holiday.

There’s no meaning of any kind behind the teasing. Dan’s been living in his small flat down the road for nearly five years now and he loves his bookstore job more than he cares to admit. His boss, Mads is very laid-back and lenient and gives days off almost any time Dan asks for one, which granted, isn’t that often. He’s a chaotic man who tends to breeze in and breeze out, usually with a small “Dan, can you do me a favour?” before disappearing again into the back room or off somewhere else. The task is usually completed by the time Mads comes back, and everyone on staff loves Dan for being able to make sense of modern programs like docs and spreadsheets. For Dan, it’s a way to fit in.

Dan’s always been what his grandma called an “old soul” and thrives on the feeling of having a place in the world, a purpose. He likes the quiet of the store and the access to so many books that he can just read in the corner when business is slow. He likes the lack of deadlines and the way everything seems comfortable and slow. Sometimes it’s a bit boring, but it’s better than sitting alone in his immaculate flat with his mother calling once a week. His job might not be respectable in the way that a Law degree could have led him to, but despite disappointing his parents, Dan feels safe here.

Being alone, in the least ironic way possible, is dangerous for Dan because it always gives him too much time to think. He doesn’t want to imagine his dad’s disappointment with how his life turned out or to question whether he’s achieved true happiness. Dan knows he’s content, he doesn’t need a partner or a best friend when he has Louise and the shop always there to offer him hours. He’s never wanted to work a high-pressure job where he’s tied to a clock and an office and deadlines that would surely send him into breakdown. He likes being safe and content, surrounded by the smell of books and candles in a one-room shop.

Dan looks at the code on the first book and pretends to be engrossed in shelving each individual one as he tucks the first novel into its space. It’s called  _ The Humming Room,  _ the cover decorated with beautiful twisting vines and dark green leaves. He remembers reading this one, it had been about a girl named Roo who didn’t like people and tended to live her life separate to the rest of the world. She’d been perfectly content in her own mind and found not only an entire secret garden in the house her adoptive uncle lived in but a pair of friends by letting herself be curious and explore. He’s liked that one a lot, it wasn’t every day a protagonist was celebrated for struggling to find a place in the world without forcing them to change in some way.

Dan loses himself for a while in wandering the store, putting books away and stopping to flip through a few new arrivals that catch his attention. Not all the books are the same genre and so he busies himself going from place to place, letting lights and Christmas baubles illuminate his pathways softly, shifting into autopilot mode and letting his thoughts wander.

Dan’s only just lowered his head to squint at the cover of one book, stepping into the next aisle before he nearly collides with someone who stands up abruptly.

“Oh!” Dan shouts, dropping the near-depleted pile of novels on the floor without any sort of bravado and and pitching forward just like earlier.

He catches the first book but the rest go thudding to the floor, the clatter and following bangs loud enough to sound throughout the entire shop. It’s almost melodic how the novels all fall, one after the other in rhythmic disaster. His heart near stops in his chest and he drops down to pick them up, only to have the customer do the same so that their hands shoot out at the same time and nearly knock together.

_ Fuck.  _ He thinks.  _ Oh fuck.  _ So much for keeping out of the way of people and saving the stock. In one less than graceful motion he’s managed to somehow mess up both. All of the books have fallen on or around the customer’s feet  and Dan’s immediate instinct is to pick them up, eyes darting up abruptly out of habit more than anything.

“I’m sorry!” Dan exclaims just as the other person says “Oh.”

They look up at the same time, and Dan’s heart damn near skips a beat.

Because of course. Of course.

He’s never really been able to look at this boy before. Any contact he’d imagined with the guy had been confined entirely to his imagination, and now he’s- well…

Dan’s immediate first thought is  _ the haircut makes him look different. _

It’s a stupid thought, but that’s not the only thing that catches him off guard. What he’s seeing now that he hadn’t seen before is a sprinkle of freckles on what Dan had originally imagined was just pale skin. His eyes are round and curious, he has a slightly beaked nose and it’s so fitting for the rest of his appearance that it’s almost too endearing to look away from. He has nicely arched brows that add to the startled look on his face and that’s probably Dan’s fault but somehow, despite Louise’s teasing earlier about how cute the guy had been, that’s not what stands out to Dan the most.

He’s never talked to him before. He has to remember that. They each scoop up a few books and Dan lets the stragglers be passed over to him, but there’s a strange, very blank look on the boy’s face.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry.” Dan blurts, and the boy starts at the exclamation. “I didn’t mean to- I mean, thank you. Sorry, I don’t normally drop books on people.”

His eyes are also slightly shadowed, he’s rearranged his expression quickly to look purposeful rather than the fake-polite that most people adopt when something like this happens. It catches Dan off guard and he ends up just looking into his eyes for a second, unable to miss the expression that not once has he ever seen on this boy before.

When Dan looks at him, what he sees more than anything is how he just looks  _ tired. _

_“_ It’s okay!” The boy says quickly, tugging at his shirt collar in a way that must be nervous habit. “You didn’t mean to, you were just walking and I got in the way.”

“You weren’t in the way.” Dan assures him before he can think, shrugging the book pile into place and offering a hand to help him up.

“I’m always in the way.” The boy says quietly. Dan frowns in confusion and he seems to realize what he’s said, quickly shaking his head. “I mean, nothing. I’ve seen you working here before, I just didn’t tend to talk much when I came in before I-”

Dan barely processes the fact that he actually recognizes him.

“Oh yeah, you’re alone this time.” He realizes, making the other boy’s eyes widen before he nods quickly. His expression goes flat again and it just makes Dan curious, wondering what the occasion is.

“Yup.” He answers drily, his mouth popping the  _ p _ on the end of the word.

He looks down and Dan realizes how shy this guy might actually be, though he does accept Dan’s hand and the offer to stand up. Dan grabs on and though he tried not to notice it but it feels nice to hold onto his hand, although it’s a bit cold. Is he taking advantage of this poor guy just because his existence makes Dan mildly curious? He’s never wished he had any form of social skills more than in this moment.

“I’m Dan.” He blurts and it earns him a moment of eye contact as the boy gets to his feet, using his free hand to brush his black hair off of his forehead. They’ve only just dropped hands but they reach out awkwardly again to shake them, despite the fact that Dan hasn’t done any handshakes since his interview with Mads for this job.

“Phil.” The boy says abruptly, Dan’s outburst somehow bringing out the hint of a smile on his dull face.

They clasp hands and shake and it feels a lot more monumental than it probably should considering the circumstance, but Dan feels a small thrill anyway. It’s not like he has any friends, this interaction could have gone so much worse.

Dan usually feels uncomfortable with formality but this awkward guy hardly feels like a stranger, maybe it’s just the comfort of knowing he’s seen Phil with his boyfriend before but Dan feels a lot less like he has to impress him at all. So unlike with most customers he smiles, hoping the genuine expression might be mirrored if he does.

“It’s kind of cool to put a name to the face.” Dan tells him. “Even if I just assaulted you to do it.”

It does earn him a bit of a faint grin and Dan’s about to drop Phil’s hand when he hears footsteps behind him, making him stiffen in surprise.

“Dan Howell, what on earth have you just done to our st-”

Louise rounds the corner and seems to take in the sight of Dan and Phil’s joined hands without really processing at first, trailing off mid sentence and blinking comically.

Dan realizes what her immediate conclusion is going to be and blushes, pulling back from the hold and feeling his face burn, her prolonged stare just making things worse.

Phil looks between them confusedly and Dan feels his heart start to beat way too fast again and  _ oh no this is definitely not good  _ but he has no idea what to say, just waiting for something to happen. His hand is hanging limply at his side now and he has no idea what to do with it, not realizing it’s even possible to think so hard about a limb.

The three of them just stand in the middle of the shelf aisle surrounded by books and lights, exchanging glances before the silence stretches out too long to be normal.

“Oh.” Lou gets out eventually. “You guys are both tall.”

Phil blinks. “What?”

It’s not exactly the most normal thing for a clerk to say to a customer and Louise seems to realize that a split second later, blushing darkly and blurting out more words.

“I mean- sorry! How are you, dear? Are you finding everything all right? Dan, I swear to god if I just heard you drop the entire stack I’d saved you from knocking over earlier-”

“I’m fine.” Phil says without looking at her, reacting oddly to the particular question. Lou doesn’t even seem to notice but Dan sees Phil’s face revert back to tired again, as if he’d been reminded he wasn’t supposed to be happy. He’s looking down at his feet, ignoring the glasses that are slipping down his nose. Dan can’t make sense of it.

“I only dropped a few books.” Dan replies defensively, hoping to take the attention off Phil a bit. He’s so incredibly curious and, though he loves Lou, he suddenly wishes she weren’t here cluelessly badgering this stranger. “I got most of them put away.”

He turns around to put away the last of the novels so he doesn’t have to carry them anymore, feeling like he shouldn’t be staring anyway.

“Are you looking for anything in particular?” Lou asks with her usual verve, still directed at Phil who shrugs.

“Just a book.”

Dan feels it before he sees it, the hand closing in the knit black fabric of his jumper that gives him next to no warning.

He has a split second to feel his heart sink, realizing his friend was serious on the plotting she’d done earlier.

"Well, Dan's  _ great _ at finding books." Lou enthuses, pushing Dan into visibility with an exaggerated shove.   


Dan stumbles of course, making himself look  _ really _ great to this cute boy for the third time today. He wishes he could shoot a withering glare at Louise for how proud she looks of her plot coming together. For someone with supposedly innocent intentions, she looks far too pleased with herself.

  
"Yeah?" Phil asks, peering at him from behind his glasses, making Dan far too aware of the fact that oh, his eyes aren't just blue. There's some green in there, huh? Also a bit of yellow-   
  
"The best!" Lou proclaims, squeezing Dan's shoulder. "Honestly honey, I'd be lost without him. I swear Dan's read every book in this store and he knows exactly what to look for. He's not allowed to get a new job."   
  
Phil looks confused, and rightly so, but it seems he's been cursed with same awkwardness that graces Dan's personality because he shifts a bit under her gaze before attempting to reply.   
  
"Oh, yeah?"   
  
He doesn't look at Louise though. He looks to Dan this time, only for a moment, but the eye contact sends a shock through Dan's entire chest, catching him totally off guard.   


And that’s about all it takes for Dan’s mind to short-circuit, never mind the fact that Phil still looks oddly sad.

"Yeah." Dan blurts, forgetting that what they're actually talking about is him.   
  
Louise bursts out laughing. "He knows it!" She proclaims, letting him go and then spinning around, quite gracefully informing Dan that she's about to strategically ditch him. “He can find you anything you need, he doesn’t normally drop them all either. I’ll be at the counter if you need me, love!”

Dan doesn’t know if she’s addressing him or Phil. She reaches out and takes the remaining books from Dan’s hands, breezing off to put them away and leaving him absolutely no choice but to stay and help. Just as quickly as she’d breezed in, Lou’s gone, leaving Dan to his own devices and a suspiciously convenient situation.

It takes Dan a few seconds to process that they’re still standing there.

Phil looks nervous, and now that Louise is no longer hovering he’s not hiding his expression, crossing his arms over his chest and letting his shoulders sink a little under an unseen weight. He glances at the shelves as if they hold an answer and then almost immediately looks annoyed, giving up at once.

“Sorry about that.” Dan says gently, wondering if Louise’s loudness alarms Phil in the same way it used to alarm him.

Phil shakes his head. “It’s fine. She seems nice.”

He’s looking at Dan like he holds the answers to whatever’s going on in his head and it’s a strange thing to see, Dan isn’t entirely sure why the air feels off but he knows Phil’s name now and for all the times he’s seen Phil before, this time he definitely seems different.

“So… do you need help finding something?” Dan asks after a moment, seeing Phil look back up at him almost as if remembering he’s there.

"I need a book." Phil says outright, seeming to grow more nervous the longer Dan looks at him. "Like, a very specific kind of book."   


Okay, not what he was expecting, but it is a bookstore. What else would he be doing here?

“Sure.” Dan says quickly, switching into eager-to-please-the-customer mode and anticipating what inventory he might have to go through. "Do you have a title or an author?"   
  
Phil fidgets more at that, long fingers twiddling over and under one another.   
  
"No," he corrects hesitantly. "It's more of a... recommendation."    
  
Dan stares at him, not confused exactly but surprised nonetheless at the request, it’s not often he’s actually asked for his own opinion.

“Sorry.” Phil says abruptly and all of a sudden he looks scared like he’s said something offensive, like Dan’s silence taking too long means a lot more than what it really is. Dan raises his eyebrows and Phil just looks more worried at that, so he scrambles to be reassuring.

“Hey, it’s fine!” He says quickly. “What kind of recommendation?”

Phil looks stuck at how to answer that.

“I um, I don’t really…”

He trails off and looks even more frustrated, which doesn’t make sense, but Dan keeps going.

“Is it a gift, maybe?”

Nod. “Yeah.”

“Okay. Do they like a specific kind of genre, maybe a particular kind of message or a hopeless romantic situation, or-”

"Well, it's for my ex.” Phil blurts, and Dan feels a jolt straight through his chest as his eyes go wide. “So ideally not expensive and not a doorstop amount of pages.”

Dan feels like he’s been hit by a car. Suddenly the odd expressions and the weird questions make sense, the request for a recommendation and the fact that Phil’s been here a while, looking lost without finding anything.

Of all the things he’d been expecting, he hadn’t been thought to think about why Phil’s hair has been suddenly changed, why he’s come here alone after spending so many nights on the beanbag chairs in the corner with the boy who he looked at like he was really in love.

His ex. Phil’s here alone because his boyfriend is now his  _ ex _ . Dan suddenly doesn’t know what to say.

The shock on his face must be evident but Phil doesn’t even seem to notice. His voice wavers and it’s like he’s been holding that word in his chest all day, voice trembling as he gets out the rest of his words in a much less controlled shaking.

“It’s got to be something that could be reread, he says he wants it specifically because he knows I have good taste and that since he’s putting it in his new homes that it n-needs to be kind of… bookshelf appropriate."   
  
The last words come out im a jumble and Dan barely has time to catch his breath, watching the composure break down as Phil starts crying.

It happens so suddenly it’s almost blinding. Phil’s hands fly up to cover his face as if he’s aware that he’s in a public bookshop bit he just can’t contain it anymore, probably having held it in for far too long if he’s just blurted this out to a stranger. He gasps in a breath and then it’s like he can’t stop the sobs, shaking under the kind of pain that he’d barely been hiding in the first place.

Dan’s words get stuck in his throat, his hand reaching out instinctively as a weird kind of heaviness settles on his chest to place on Phil’s shoulder.

“Hey,” He says gently, for a totally different reason this time. “It's all right. Are you okay?”

Phil leans into the small touch and it breaks Dan’s heart to see how desperate he is for comfort and affection, the tears punctuated by empty breaths that sound painful even to him.

“Yes.” Phil croaks. “I mean, no. Not really. I don’t know.”

Dan glances over at where the counter is and sees Louise busy with a line of people all trying to pay with gift cards and cash, talking animatedly and not likely to bother them anytime soon. He drops his hand from Phil’s shoulder but only to to place a cautious arm loosely around his shoulders, guiding him away from the shelves.

“Come sit in the the corner with all the beanbags.” Dan urges him quietly. “It’s gonna slow down soon, I’ll sit with you for a bit.”

Phil shrugs weakly and Dan reaches into his pocket to pull out his packet of tissues, an emergency precaution that he’d made since he’d started walking to work in the cold, passing one to Phil and guiding him quietly. No one gives them a second glance and Dan feels an odd comfort in sheltering Phil from the world, knowing they’re both lonely now but in very, very different ways.

In Phil’s case, Dan might be able to help him.

~~~

“So my ex-boyfriend is supposed to be getting married this weekend.” Phil tells Dan tiredly.

He has his hands cupped around a Dan’s black rounded mug, staring into the swirling coffee Dan had hastily brought him from the breakroom, steaming and filled with milk and ungodly amounts of sugar added in because apparently that’s how Phil likes it. He isn’t drinking at the moment, but he has it cupped in his hands just for the sake of the warmth.

“I didn’t even know he was seeing someone else when he dropped it on me. We were still technically together, he’d just suddenly lost interest in me about a year before but I thought maybe I was just doing something wrong and I’d have him love me again. Then after a few months of that he just broke up with me, he moved in with the other guy and then today he dropped the wedding on me out of nowhere.”

“Are you serious?” Dan exclaims, feeling a sudden flare of anger towards a man he’s barely even seen before. He remembers brown hair and a straightened fringe, not too different from what Dan’s would have looked like if Dan hadn’t accepted his naturally curly hair a long time ago. The boy had been a bit shorter than Phil but Dan doesn’t remember much else, he’s too busy picturing a blurry face with a red tinge of betrayal around it.

He looks at Phil who still has tear trails on his cheeks and feels an overwhelming urge to hug him, to stop the tears and the blame he’s put in himself for something entirely out of his control.

“The wedding is in two days and he calls me up like,  _ hey, if you’re worried about what kind of gift to get me don’t worry about spending lots of money. Just get me a book, you know, like the good old days. _ Like as if I didn’t already feel like shit and it was a great idea to remind me of all the times we came here to the bookstore together. I can’t believe I ever believed that he actually loved me. He doesn’t even care to consider what this feels like to me. And then I have to go in and think about all the stories he’d love, how I know him so well, and how he’s just fallen out of love with me and in love with some other guy I didn’t even know.”

“But you’re-” Dan doesn’t even know what to say. His own coffee is black and about half-full, his feelings about the situation making him realize just how much pain this man actually put Phil through.

“He sounds like a fucking asshole.” Dan says honestly. “You’re such a lovely person, you made him laugh so much in here all the time.”

"He liked to read." Phil says wetly. "I mean, I-I did too, but… I’m sorry. I’m just being stupid for no reason, he doesn’t want me and that’s fine. It’s just been a shitty day and I had to walk here in the rain and I was already in a bad mood but now I’m crying to a stranger and I just-”

“Stop.” Dan chides. “Your ex is the stupid one, not you. You didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just missing out.”

He passes Phil a tissue and watched him wipe his eyes and then shit them for a moment, taking a deep breath and regaining composure. He goes completely quiet for a while, sinking back into the blue beanbag he’s on and bumping his knee against Dan’s unconsciously.

“The… the lights are really pretty in here.” Phil murmurs, his voice soft and his eyes focused on the flickering string lights and tinsel hung over their heads. There’s shelves on either side of them and a table topped with books and a lit cinnamon candle, creating a cozy corner for readers who want to spend some extra time in in the little shop. For Dan and Phil with their overlong limbs and beanbag chairs, the space is practically made for them as it fits them perfectly. “I always feel so content when I’m sitting here. I like it a lot.”

Dan smiles at that, looking over Phil while he’s distracted and seeing for the first time what a happier Phil looks like up close and just how  _ soft  _ he is. There’s little Dan can do to stop him from being sad right now but it feels nice to just sit here in the quiet and comfort him, even if it only helps a little.

“Me too.” Dan tells him. “It’s actually my boss Mads that does all the decorating here but when it’s dead I use this corner all the time. I’m clearly employee of the year, as you can probably see.”

Phil lets out a quiet laugh, looking over at him with a warm expression.

“I’ve seen you actually.” He says unexpectedly. “A couple times. I did come in here alone once in a while and I remember seeing you sitting there reading. You look so calm when you’re concentrating and I used to kind of admire that, I think you fit right in here with the lights and the books.”

Dan blinks as a feeling like butterflies rises in his stomach, not expecting to hear something like that in the least.  _ Phil _ admired  _ him _ ? After all the times Dan had studied Phil without even realizing he’d been doing so, it feels oddly full-circle that the person Louise teased him for noticing had been noticing him all along too.

“Really?”

“Yeah, loads of times.”

“Wow, thanks.” Dan breathes, voice genuine. “I always used to think my parents looked down on me for coming here, working in a shop in the shopping centre when I could be in some skyscraper filing papers and selling real estate or something.”

“If every single person became a real estate lawyer, there wouldn’t be any bookshops or people to write the books.” Phil points out, shrugging. “Besides, I don’t think that suits you anyway. I’m pretty glad that you’re here, although I guess you would suit formalwear a bit.”

Dan raises his eyebrows slightly, just surprised at the observation and caught by the underlying comment. After so many crises about whether or not he’s made the right decisions in life when his family disapproves, Phil has somehow put his life into a comforting perspective and simultaneously ade Dan’s mind feel fuzzy in a way that’s entirely new to him. He can barely make his flustered brain assemble enough words to speak.

“Your ex is an idiot.” Dan blurts before he can think. “You’re just so…good.”

Phil sighs, but no tears fall this time. He takes a sip of his coffee and looks visibly calmer, his lips forming almost-a-smile again. His cheeks are tinted a burnished red and Dan pretends it doesn’t make him feel a very strong, sudden  _ something _ , not when Phil’s just starting to feel better and the conversation is so nice.

“I didn’t really think about how much I blamed myself when it happened.” Phil says honestly. “I’m still going to go to the wedding, and I do want to bring him a gift that will make him happy.”

"So you're giving him a book, because you're an angelic human being who technically isn't in the wrong because you just know him so well." Dan reasons.

Phil blushes deeper at that, shaking his head hastily and curling in on himself a bit.

“I have no idea what to get him honestly. I just want him to be happy, Dan.”

Dan feels a jolt of something in his chest then and it gives him a sudden idea, a burst of feeling for Phil paired with a sudden idea bringing him to his feet.

"Hold on." Dan says abruptly, dropping his hand down to Phil's arm before he can think as a sudden idea strikes him and he moves to get up. "Stay here. Don't move."   
  
Phil looks up at him in surprise and from Dan’s standing vantage he’s able to see perfectly the way Phil’s face tilts up to look at him with a curious but trusting expression. The lights are reflecting in the colours of Phil’s irises and off the surface of his glasses and Dan can’t help but reach out and set his hand under Phil’s chin just for a moment, cupping it quickly before letting go and earning him a shy smile.

“I’ll be right back.” He says hurriedly. “Drink some of your coffee, I’ll only be gone a minute.”

It only takes Dan a few minutes to find what he’s looking for, tucked back into the shelves and conveniently placed near the end of the Young Adults section. It seems weirdly fitting and he grabs the novel eagerly before heading back and making his way back over to the beanbag chairs, seeing Phil raise his eyes eagerly in greeting as Dan hides the book behind his back.

“Here.” He says after a few seconds, holding out his arm and dropping the book gently in Phil’s lap, taking care not to topple his coffee. “This should be good I think, in fact there’s probably not anything better.”

Phil looks down and observes the dramatic cover, aesthetically patterned with dynamic dark lines and bold red text that suggest very little of what the actual plot might be.

Dan sees his hesitation and the clear indicator that he’s never seen the book before, making excitement build in his chest as Dan begins to feel excited about explaining the situation.

"This book is called Speed." He supplies, reaching over and turning the novel in Phil’s hand so he can read the back cover, a grin spreading across his face despite himself. "It’s appearance is perfectly bookshelf appropriate and it’s about a hundred and fifty six pages long, not likely something he’s seen before and by a perfectly respectable author. The title isn’t going to reveal anything, and it's meant to basically tell the reader  _ fuck you _ ."   
  
Phil had been listening patiently and eagerly up until the end of Dan’s sentence, but he gapes at Dan when he finishes his sentence. " _ What _ ?"   
  
He’s looking at Dan like he can’t tell if he’s being pranked or not, making Dan grin at him excitedly and gesture down again.

"The author's intent behind writing it was to subtly call out her ex on everything he did when they were married.” Dan explains, biting back a laugh. “She sold two thousand copies in the first week and mailed him the first copy off the press, but the best thing is that it can apply to anyone who’s had to deal with the same situation. It's a great story, and its plot essentially means  _ fuck you. _ "   
  
"Seriously?"   


Phil’s eyes are practically glowing now and he looks like he can’t believe it, staring at Dan with the novel held loosely in his hands.

  
Dan laughs.   
  
"Yeah, take it.” He urges. “I hope he displays it proudly. Who makes their ex do something like this before his wedding, anyway?"   
  
Dan feels a tiny burst of warmth in his stomach at the way Phil's whole face lights up in response, the blue in his eyes looking more prominent, brighter.   
He looks at Dan with an expression that Dan can’t quite place, a mixture of gratitude and fondness that makes the entire debacle of earlier feel worth it. Seeing Phil’s smile makes Dan feel a lot, and he’s fairly certain he knows why Louise hasn’t interrupted them yet. He hadn’t really thought about it before, but he definitely feels something for Phil.

It isn't just that Phil's adorable. It isn't just the clumsy endearing nature and the kind face beneath all that sadness. He genuinely wants to make this boy happy.   
  
“You’re a genius.” Phil whispers, arms twitching like he wants to reach out and hug Dan.

He seems to deliberate for only a moment before doing just that, leaning across both the beanbag chairs and pulling him in quickly, catching Dan off guard again and knocking the breath straight out of his lungs. It takes him a couple of seconds to react but when his mind catches up to his body he hugs back, for whatever reason remembering that this is his life, he’s being paid to do this right now and Dan’s never been so glad in his entire life that he didn’t become a lawyer.

Phil’s warm, his limbs are long and awkward and his elbow knocks Dan’s coffee mug over where he’s placed it on the floor, now empty at least but causing a clatter when it falls that seems to jolt him into attention.

"How much?"   
  
The question shakes Dan out of his daze, he sees Phil already fumbling in his wallet for change and speaks without thinking, desperate to see that smile stay.   
  
"Nothing." He blurts and pushes Phil’s arm away playfully, making the blue eyes go round. "It's fine. On me."   
  
“What?!”   
  
Phil looks properly dumbstruck. Once again Dan is aware of how Phil’s glasses and eyebrows add to his looks, It’s like every expression he makes on his face is magnified, drawn out purposefully to make everyone aware of what he’s feeling. Dan doubts he’s actually trying to do any of the sort, it’s probably just as unconscious as Dan’s jumpiness and blushing. It's not a bad thing at all it’s just that… he doesn’t ever think like this but it’s just so fucking cute.

“I’m serious!” Dan protests, panicking when he sees Phil’s watery eyes well up again and his hands start to shake, clearly emotional. “It’s okay! You deserve it.”

Phil shakes his head and buries his face in his hands, cheeks dusted pink as he wipes at his eyes. The tears smudge on his thumb a bit but when he raises his head he still looks at Dan like he’s the most wonderful thing, making Dan wonder if there will come a day where he won’t want to be looked at like that because  _ damn,  _ it feels really nice.

“Don’t cry!” Dan protests, worried that he’s only just gone and made things worse. “Did I say something wrong? I didn’t mean to. You’re lovely Phil, all right? I’m sorry, what is it?”

Phil shakes his head and laughs shakily, hugging the book to his chest that he probably hates a lot and yet clearly in this moment couldn’t be happier with.

He looks up at Dan and it’s clear he doesn’t know what to say, brushing a hand over his cheek and hurriedly correcting him, smiling so wide his tongue pokes out between his teeth and Dan swears his heart stops, certain he’s never seen something prettier.

“You’re so nice.” Phil explains. “And I don’t understand. Thank you so much, Dan. I don’t even know what to say.”

They sit and talk for a long time after that, not just about books but about their lives and their errant thoughts and favourite games. They sit so long that it’s  _ Louise _ who has to tell  _ Dan  _ that it’s closing time, shooing Phil out with a knowing look at Dan when Phil smiles at him one last time and walks away, expression calm as he leaves the store and disappears into the night. On any other night it would be Dan telling Louise to stop chatting to a customer so that they can count the till, lock up and go home but tonight, Dan’s not even thinking about what he’ll do when he gets home this time.

Tonight, Dan feels like he’s floating.

~~~

“And then he  _ smiled _ , Lou. Like I don’t normally care about smiles but he looks so nice when he smiles and he did this little thing where his tongue poked out between his teeth and I’ve never seen anyone do that before and I just-”

“-You had to check him out and send him off without getting his number because you’re dumb and you forgot. Yes, be still my beating heart.” Lou laughs. “You’ve only mentioned that ten times now.”

Dan scoffs at her and pouts playfully, the usual blush blooming over his face that he doesn’t even try to hide. It’s all he’s been able to to think about for the last two days and he doesn’t even care about it, his mind full of pictures of pretty blue-but-not eyes and a soft expression.

“I want to know how it went.” Dan huffs. “He was so anxious about the wedding the day before.”

It’s a slower day today and Dan busies himself arranging a display of bath bombs in a basket for their holiday sale, a free gift for anybody who spends twenty pounds or more. He’s trying to achieve perfect symmetry in the rounded stack and it’s going somewhat successfully, the colours offering him a bit of an arrangement challenge.

Louise watches him with a bemused expression and shakes her head, her gaze on him all too knowing.

“Is it too early to say I told you so?” She teases, making him scoff again. “I sent you off with that book stack on purpose, he’s had a crush on you for as long as you have on him.”

“You said it yourself.” Dan shrugs. “He’s cute. He’s so cute.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Dan Howell?!” Louise gasps, throwing her hand over her chest. “Listen to you! My emo baby’s having  _ feelings! _ ”

Dan shrugs and doesn’t even try to fight her on it, stacking happily and feeling quietly thrilled. Ever since the evening in the corner he’s felt detached and separate from the stresses of the world. Even at home when he’d been alone in his bedroom with nothing but the dark he hadn’t been able to dwell on his existential thoughts, too busy thinking about the way Phil’s arms had felt around him and the way his whole expression magnified when he felt things.

He’s just moved on to counting out the new shipment of bookmarks when Lou nudges him in the back, alerting him suddenly to the boy walking in through the door with his hands pushed into his pockets, glancing around the store in an adorable attempt to look inconspicuous.

Dan feels a surge of excitement and his heart flips in his chest, unable to contain his grin as he turns around and waves at Phil excitedly, catching his eye and running his fingers through his own brown curls mindlessly. Phil smiles widely and waves back, wandering over with much more confidence now.

He looks good, his slender form bundled in a soft navy parka with black fur to match his glasses and a homemade bobble hat on his head, his expression so much happier and excited in a way that makes him look completely different from the boy who had cried before.

“Hey Phil!” Louise says excitedly, waving him over and holding out her hand. “Perfect timing. I have a riddle for you.”

Phil blushes slightly and glances at Dan like he’s a co-conspirator but Dan just grins and shakes his head, knowing his friend was bound to be subject to this at some point.

“What?” He asks, fingers coming up to brush at his forehead as if he’d forgotten there wasn’t a fringe there anymore.

“A riddle!” She says cheerfully. “I have a new one for everybody!”

“I’m not very good at riddles.” Phil says shyly, and Lou looks at Dan like she’s definitely about to melt.

Dan already has.

“Don’t worry, it’s just for fun.” She assures him, reaching over the counter and patting his bobble-topped head. “This is it: There is a substance, one that covers the entire world sometimes. You can find it just about anywhere, and the more that you have of it, the less you can see.”

“Darkness.” Phil says almost immediately, and Lou’s face lights up in a grin.

“You’re adorable!” She shrieks delightedly, nudging Dan so hard he almost falls over. “You can stay forever.”

Dan finds himself nodding without really thinking and Phil catches it with another sweet smile, meeting his eyes quickly and obviously preparing for something.

“Hey, Dan.” He asks softly, looking at Louise almost as if for permission. “Can I borrow you for a second? I promise it won’t take too long.”

Dan’s mind goes blank and Louise is already looking at him like he better get going or she’ll never let him hear the end of it, feeling his feet move mindlessly forward with no idea of what he should expect. He realizes Phil has a hand tucked into his coat pocket because he’s hiding something in it, blurrily stepping out from behind the counter and standing a couple feet in front of him.

They stand and stare for only a few seconds before Louise pokes Dan in the back and Phil reaches out and takes his arm, leading him just a little ways out of the bookstore and towards the fountain near the lobby, past the bath and body store and over to the area near the escalators where they’re out of people’s way.

Dan feels the hold on his arm and leans into it, feeling the softness of Phil’s side before they come to a stop and really look at each other for the first time since the other night, smiling cautiously before stepping back a bit to speak. He’s barely even thinking about the fact that he’s skiving work, Lou had practically shoved him out the door.

“Hey, you.” Dan says gently, gazing appreciatively at the way Phil’s face looks in proper lighting and a happier mood. “I missed you.”

“Yeah.” Phil says awkwardly, smiling down at his shoes and holding on loosely to Dan’s sleeve still. “You look really nice today. I feel like I never got to properly say thank you to you so I thought I’d snatch you out for a bit and pretend it’s your lunch break so I don’t feel so bad.”

“It can be of you want it to.” Dan says playfully. “I can definitely hang out with you a lot longer.”

For what we reason Phil grins at that and flushes, shaking his head and shifting his hand in his pocket.

“No, it’s okay. I promise it won’t take too long at all. I just want to give you something you know, for helping me.”

As if he couldn’t get any lovelier. Dan’s chest constricts and he gazed at Phil with so much feeling even though Phil can’t see it, just wanting to pull him and squeeze him for how adorable he’s being.

“You don’t need to do that!” Dan protests. “I’m so glad to see you back here again.”

"You pulled that recommendation out of nowhere." Phil argues. “The wedding’s tomorrow and I don’t even care because you made me so happy that day, and you came up with the perfect gift like it was nothing.”

"I read a lot."   
  
"No, I heard you talking to your coworker that day about how you spend all day on your laptop. I want to know how you do it!"   


Dan feels his face flood with heat, remembering what had led up as a preface to that discussion. They’d been talking about how cute Phil was and how lonely Dan was.

Oh, fuck. If Phil’s heard that bit of his and Louise’s conversation, he’s likely heard everything else too.

“It just-” god, he can’t even think right now. Phil’s normally shy face is so knowing and he feels utterly useless against this rush of feeling, not really sure how to respond.

“It just seemed like the best idea.” He settles on, making Phil giggle quietly.

“It was the perfect amount of satisfying and petty.” He explains. “I absolutely loved it. You turned my entire day around and you didn’t even technically know me.”

“You’re just adorable.” Dan’s mind says before his mouth can say no. To takes Phil aback for all of a second, but by then it’s too late to take it back.

“Um-” he says quickly, dropping Dan’s arm to reach into his jacket, rifling around until he pulls out a book, smoothing out the wrinkled edge before lifting it out and pushing into Dan’s dumbstruck hands. “So I uh, I thought I’d give this to you you know, to say thanks for the other day, because I think you’re adorable too and you’re also really kind and you helped me, and I should probably stop rambling but I really wanted you to know.”

Phil’s still stammering but all Dan can do is stare down in disbelief, because Phil has given him a book.

Not only has he given him a book, but it’s a very specific book, a medium-length kind of novel with a pattern of vines and pretty dark green leaves, twisting and curling from the cover to the margins.

_ The Humming Room, _

“This book is one of my favourites, and I have a lot of books that I really like so that’s saying something.” Phil says quickly. “It’s also about a hundred and fifty pages but it isn’t about exes, it’s about thoughtful people who listen and observe and don’t follow other people’s expectations to be happy.”

It all seems to come out in a jumble and he looks up at Dan as if to make sure he hasn’t lost him, but Dan’s hanging off of every word.

“And I don’t think it’s the author’s intention but it kind of is mine, and I think for me at least it was written to tell the reader  _ thank you. _ ”

Dan can’t breathe. He stares at the cover like it’s from outer space and he’s smiling so hard it hurts a little, barely even aware that it’s happening. He doesn’t comprehend the blush on Phil’s face, just reaches out numbly with the hand not holding the book and settles it on Phil’s arm, just wanting to hold him in some way because he’s certain now that he’s completely fallen.

“I…” Dan blinks a few times and meets Phil’s eyes, very aware of the hesitation there. “Thank you. Oh my god.”

“I have to go.” Phil says, but make sure to read the inside cover. I tend to wrote a lot better than I speak.

And then before Dan has time to think Phil steps up to him and leans in quickly, cupping Dan’s face gently and pressing his lips to Dan’s cheek.

Dan’s mind short-circuits and whatever words he’s meaning to say dissipate, replaced with a humming kind of happiness of their own. He looks down quickly and thumbs open the cover of the novel just quickly enough to see neat, loopy handwriting that consists of a phone number and a little  _ wanna go for coffee sometime? Phil. x  _ that hugs his heart in just the right way, making him lift his head and think again.

Phil’s face is beyond red as he pulls away and even though he’s flustered he turns to leave pretty quickly, moving with all the purpose in the world until Dan suddenly gets an idea, mind working just fast enough to follow behind him.

He reaches out suddenly, extending his hand out and grabbing Phil’s arm.

"Read it to me." Dan tells him, surprising himself.   
  
Phil stumbles mid-step and looks up at Dan in surprise the spray of water from the fountain behind him making Dan feel like he’s in some kind of movie that he’s doesn’t want to end. "What?"   
  
Dan isn’t often one for risk taking, at least not when it comes to something that had always seemed so monumental and out of reach to him. He likes to stay comfortable in his quiet job and well settled life, with his one friend being Lou and his mother calling once a week.

At least he used to. As he reaches out and takes Phil’s hand, he realizes maybe there’s more than just that that he suddenly wants now. He doesn’t have to do that alone when this wonderful boy is here and he wants to see him happy. He would give away every book in the store if he could find a way to encapsulate and preserve the adorable grin that he’s seeing on Phil’s face.

He waits a mall moment for Phil to hold his hand back, then passes him the novel and squeezes tight.

"We can sit on the beanbags.” Dan decides. “I’ll make you coffee again. The candles are already going and the lights are already on. Pull out a beanbag, take the book out and we’ll sit together, and read it to me."   


~~~  
  



End file.
